And I ran...I ran so far away.

I signed up to recieve a daily bible verse from a website a year or so ago. Those emails grew to be a little annoying. However, during those few months there were two verses that caught my eye. Both resonated with me and earned a stick pin in my cubicle wall next to my computer.

The first was Psalm 119:105:

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

That helps me to remember that God is not only a guide to my everyday decisions (lamp to my feet), but also helping me to see how those decision affect the future (light to my path).

The second was 1 Corinthians 9:24-29:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

At the time, I used it to motivate me at work. I was not yet diagnosed, nor was I being treated, for A.D.D. I was having an incredibly hard time concentrating at work and getting anytime accomplished. There were times where I would sit at my desk and just pray that I could get one thing done that day. This passage from 1 Corinthians spoke to my heart. I did not want to "run aimlessly" and "I beat my body and [made] it my slave" so that I could be the best I could be.

Later that year, my life changed as I sought treatment. These words morphed into something much more. They have become my rallying call. They have, to me, become literal. I want to win the prize. I do everything that I can to win the prize. Yes, it has vast spirtual implications in my life. However, it's so much more in my life.

When I made the decision to take a radical path towards improved health, my world was thrown upside down. I knew that I wanted to do this to become healthier; not to become smaller. The latter is obviously a byproduct of the former, but it is so hard to qualify in any other way, for me.

My bloodwork is great. My blood pressure is a rock-steady 120 over 72. I don't have diabetes, high cholestoral, or any of the other "comorbidities" associated with morbid obesity. What I am is overweight.

I needed something that would be my guidepost. I wanted to be able to say, "Yeah, I lost 130 pounds, but the really awesome thing is ..." beh. I didn't have anything. I prayed about it a lot. I couldn't measure "being able to squat down and play with my son." I prayed some more.

During one of my mini mind breaks at work, I was praying for guidance and looked up at the wall of my cube. There, having been pinned up a year earlier, was the passage from 1 Corinthians. In addition, I had highlighted the sentence, "Run in such a way as to get the prize."

I knew right then what I had to do: run. The one exercise that I always said I despised. I used to say, "The only reason that you'll see me running is to get away from a pit bull."

"I beat my body and make it my slave..."

All at once, I wanted to run. I don't know what it was, but I suspect it was the Holy Spirit. I found a running plan on the internet called Couch-to-5K. It's a nine-week plan that is proven to help a dedicated person run a 5K race with no previous running experience. The last time that I ran for fitness was for the 8th grade Presidential Fitness test. It took me 17 minutes to run a mile...

I am currently in the 5th week and can't believe it. Not only am I doing it, but I'm enjoying it.

I'm going to run a 5K race on the 4th of July. I'm going to run a 10K race in August. I'm going to do the Little Miami Triathlon on 10/3/10. Then, one year to the day after I started running, I'm going to run the Flying Pig Marathon.

One of my friends told me to "be realistic". "After all," he said, "there's nothing wrong with running a half marathon."

He's right; there isn't. But I'm running for a lasting crown...not something that's not "wrong." I may become injured and not meet my goal. I do have a history of knee and foot injuries. No matter what, I'm going to beat my body into submission, I'm not going to run aimlessly, and I'm going to win the prize.

"Yes, I lost 130 pounds, but you know what's really cool? I won the prize...and it's worth more than my lost weight in gold."

And I also signed my email address back up for the bible verse emails.

A.D.D and Me - 1 week followup

As a middle school, high school and college student, I often wondered how all of the other students did it. How did they do so much and still be so successful? I was able to excel in Music, but that required little effort because for the talent with which I was blessed.

Well, my friends, I’ve figured it out: they didn’t have the 6-lane highway of thoughts coursing through their brains at 70 miles per hour. I always assumed that most people had to cope with the never-ending, always-shifting thought patterns flying around their consciousness.

In what has become a common theme in this blog and my life: I was wrong.

I have now been on A.D.D. medicine for one week and I cannot believe the impact that it has had on my life. The most important thing: I’m still me. I don’t feel different during the day; I just don’t notice everything going on around me. My mind doesn’t shoot off like a Tron disc to whatever it chooses. If I’m working on something, I stay on task.

I have the ability at work to run a report to see how much work I’ve routed around in one of our systems. It makes up about 80% of my workload, so it’s a pretty good indicator. My productivity is up 252% from last week. Wrap your heads around that one. What used to take me five days to do now takes two days. I get the same amount of work completed by 11:15am that use to require a full day to complete.

I’m not jumpy, hyper, overly-energized, glazed-over, high, low, tired, “out of it”, or any other phrase that you could use to describe how a person taking a psychotropic drug might act.

I was always worried that I would somehow be a failure for taking drugs for my two main debilitations: depression/anxiety & attention deficit. Now that I am finally treating both effectively, I wish that I could have a do-over on life. I wonder what I could have achieved and accomplished. I’ve been over that before…it doesn’t do a person any favors to reminisce about things that never will or never could be redone.

I used to have a mind that would send out feelers like the roots of a weed. I would keep an ear on every conversation within ear-shot. Now, I focus on what I need to complete and I complete it.

Quite simply: I can now live up to my potential…and I’m excited to see what God has in store for me.

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A.D.D and Me

I’ve always wondered what people meant when they told you to “keep your mind on the task at hand.” Are people actually able to do that? I’ve never been able to do that. I finally know officially what I have suspected since I first heard the diagnosis:

Attention Deficit Disorder

From what I understand, most office workers sit at a desk all day and, if need be, can concentrate on their work. I have never, ever been able to do that. Not once in my 30 years have I been able to sit down, perform a task, and not have my mind jump to 10 or 20 different things per minute. Sometimes, my mind races so fast that I have to take my glasses off, close my eyes, and hold onto my desk to calm down.

Here are the symptoms of Adult ADD from a respectable health website:

• Concentration. Adults with ADD/ADHD have trouble with concentration to an extreme degree. You might have trouble following conversations, “zoning out” without realizing it. Finishing tasks might feel impossible, and you might have several tasks started at once without the ability to continue. You might easily get distracted or forgetful, leading to errors or incomplete work.
• Organization. Keeping things organized at home and work might be an enormous challenge. Home and/or work space might be unusually cluttered and messy. You might underestimate the time it takes to complete tasks or have trouble with procrastination, making completing large projects very difficult. Adults with ADD/ADHD often also continually forget or lose things.
• Decision making. You might have a pattern of making sudden decisions “on a whim” or have trouble listening to others.
• Relating to others. You might have trouble following a conversation, interrupting others, answering before a question has been asked, or blurting out things you regret later.
• Health. Impulsivity and trouble with organization can lead to problems with health, such as compulsive eating or reaching for unhealthy foods, a reinforcing cycle of alcohol and drug abuse, or trouble making appointments or forgetting medication for a chronic condition.
• Work and finances. Difficulty concentrating, completing tasks, listening, and relating to others can lead to trouble at work. Managing finances may also be a concern. You may find yourself struggling to pay your bills, losing paperwork, missing deadlines, or be in debt due to impulsive spending.
• Relationships. You might wonder why loved ones constantly nag you to tidy up, get organized, and take care of business. Or if your loved one has ADD/ADHD, you might be hurt that your loved one doesn’t seem to listen to you, blurts out hurtful things, and leaves you with the bulk of organizing and planning.

SOUND FAMILIAR???? ANYONE YOU KNOW????

I’ve employed meditative techniques learned in college from Prof. Paul Knitter: no go. I’ve turned on music to focus my mind: doesn’t work. I’ve tried organizing my work into little mini-bursts so that I can get a lot done in a day: nope.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve fought depression for my entire adult life. Depression breeds anxiety, and anxiety causes attention issues. I have had my depression/anxiety under control for some time now and had sincerely hoped that I wouldn’t have to seek treatment for ADD.

I was wrong.

Even as I sit here typing this, my mind is like one of those crib storyboards that were so popular when I was a child. It’s like a scroll that endlessly loops with different figures. Mine, however, loops with an endless stream of thoughts, dreams, facts, questions, and desires.

• Sleep
• Sam
• Bengals
• Car
• Work
• Xavier
• Camping

That was literally what went through my mind in the last 15 seconds. That wasn’t trying to think of different things; that’s just what pops in. If I’m working on insurance, it’s just a steady stream of insurance topics…and it can’t be stopped.

This isn’t just me being bored. I wish that was the case. I know some people just don’t want to work so they let their mind wander. The difference is that they are like a dog that runs outside in the street when you leave a door open. I am like the dog that finds a way to get out no matter what.

I’ve had long talks with my doctor, and he agrees that it’s time to use some medication. I have a relative that takes the same anti-depressant as I and has had success with a certain type of stimulant-based ADD medication. I pray that it works for me as well. I just can’t do my job at work and feel like I am letting my family down at home. We were going to try a non-stimulant medication that's not a controlled substance, but it's $240/month on my insurance. The one he's prescribing is $35 if I haven't met my deductible and $0 if I have.

Have any of you had ADD treatments or have similar problems? Leave a comment below. I'm not shy about answering questions about my experience either. Feel free to ask.

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