A.D.D and Me

I’ve always wondered what people meant when they told you to “keep your mind on the task at hand.” Are people actually able to do that? I’ve never been able to do that. I finally know officially what I have suspected since I first heard the diagnosis:

Attention Deficit Disorder

From what I understand, most office workers sit at a desk all day and, if need be, can concentrate on their work. I have never, ever been able to do that. Not once in my 30 years have I been able to sit down, perform a task, and not have my mind jump to 10 or 20 different things per minute. Sometimes, my mind races so fast that I have to take my glasses off, close my eyes, and hold onto my desk to calm down.

Here are the symptoms of Adult ADD from a respectable health website:

• Concentration. Adults with ADD/ADHD have trouble with concentration to an extreme degree. You might have trouble following conversations, “zoning out” without realizing it. Finishing tasks might feel impossible, and you might have several tasks started at once without the ability to continue. You might easily get distracted or forgetful, leading to errors or incomplete work.
• Organization. Keeping things organized at home and work might be an enormous challenge. Home and/or work space might be unusually cluttered and messy. You might underestimate the time it takes to complete tasks or have trouble with procrastination, making completing large projects very difficult. Adults with ADD/ADHD often also continually forget or lose things.
• Decision making. You might have a pattern of making sudden decisions “on a whim” or have trouble listening to others.
• Relating to others. You might have trouble following a conversation, interrupting others, answering before a question has been asked, or blurting out things you regret later.
• Health. Impulsivity and trouble with organization can lead to problems with health, such as compulsive eating or reaching for unhealthy foods, a reinforcing cycle of alcohol and drug abuse, or trouble making appointments or forgetting medication for a chronic condition.
• Work and finances. Difficulty concentrating, completing tasks, listening, and relating to others can lead to trouble at work. Managing finances may also be a concern. You may find yourself struggling to pay your bills, losing paperwork, missing deadlines, or be in debt due to impulsive spending.
• Relationships. You might wonder why loved ones constantly nag you to tidy up, get organized, and take care of business. Or if your loved one has ADD/ADHD, you might be hurt that your loved one doesn’t seem to listen to you, blurts out hurtful things, and leaves you with the bulk of organizing and planning.

SOUND FAMILIAR???? ANYONE YOU KNOW????

I’ve employed meditative techniques learned in college from Prof. Paul Knitter: no go. I’ve turned on music to focus my mind: doesn’t work. I’ve tried organizing my work into little mini-bursts so that I can get a lot done in a day: nope.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve fought depression for my entire adult life. Depression breeds anxiety, and anxiety causes attention issues. I have had my depression/anxiety under control for some time now and had sincerely hoped that I wouldn’t have to seek treatment for ADD.

I was wrong.

Even as I sit here typing this, my mind is like one of those crib storyboards that were so popular when I was a child. It’s like a scroll that endlessly loops with different figures. Mine, however, loops with an endless stream of thoughts, dreams, facts, questions, and desires.

• Sleep
• Sam
• Bengals
• Car
• Work
• Xavier
• Camping

That was literally what went through my mind in the last 15 seconds. That wasn’t trying to think of different things; that’s just what pops in. If I’m working on insurance, it’s just a steady stream of insurance topics…and it can’t be stopped.

This isn’t just me being bored. I wish that was the case. I know some people just don’t want to work so they let their mind wander. The difference is that they are like a dog that runs outside in the street when you leave a door open. I am like the dog that finds a way to get out no matter what.

I’ve had long talks with my doctor, and he agrees that it’s time to use some medication. I have a relative that takes the same anti-depressant as I and has had success with a certain type of stimulant-based ADD medication. I pray that it works for me as well. I just can’t do my job at work and feel like I am letting my family down at home. We were going to try a non-stimulant medication that's not a controlled substance, but it's $240/month on my insurance. The one he's prescribing is $35 if I haven't met my deductible and $0 if I have.

Have any of you had ADD treatments or have similar problems? Leave a comment below. I'm not shy about answering questions about my experience either. Feel free to ask.

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