Self

I once listened to an audio presentation by an Australian Catholic missionary named Matthew Kelly called Becoming The-Best-Version-Of-Yourself. He had given it to me when I interviewed for a job with him in 2004. I ended up taking a position with my current employer instead. If nothing else, interviewing with him netted me about 10 free, signed books.

The basic premise of the presentation is that we have to examine the "meaning of friendship, work, marriage, and money; all in relation to our essential purpose. Beyond that he demonstrates how understanding our essential purpose brings clarity and direction to our lives, especially in the area of making decisions.

"Finally, he challenges us to reassess the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of our lives."

It was good. I wish that at the time I was ready to hear it, but I wasn't. I'm going to re-listen to it again this week, but recent events have called a related thought into my head.

Dr. Phil.

I know; he's a quack. He's a sell-out in the truest sense of the word. However, one of his greatest teachings is about living in tune with your "authentic" self (who you were created to be), as opposed to your "fictional" self (who the world has told you to be).

When you combine the two philosophies, you're left with a transparent version of yourself that allows you to be...You. When I live my life, as I was created to live it, and live it up to the best of my ability, a person emerges that transcends being a "good guy."

Steve Fuller recently wrote on his blog about the difference between a Christian and a moralist. His experience came directly from a speech by Tim Keller, the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in NY, NY.

You can read Fuller’s entire post here (it includes a link to one of Keller’s sermons). To make a long story short, Keller uses the story of the Prodigal Son to illustrate the difference between being a moralist and being a Christian.

"Everyone repents for what they have done wrong. The difference between a Christian and a moralist is that a Christian has also learned to repent for the reasons they did right. They recognize the reason for the right things they do is self-justification and the desire to control God and others."

If you truly read this to understand it, you will feel, as Steve puts it, that you have been rocked to your foundation.

This, to me, is the thing that I struggle with as I continue to develop my relationship with Christ and my spiritual self: What is my motivation for doing this?

I could reiterate everything that Steve wrote, but you can read it there, if you’d like. I’m going to move on.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have begun to question who I am. I know that I have at least three different “selves”.
1. Home Self
2. Friend Self
3. Work Self

On Friday, I went with a couple of my work friends to lunch. On the way there, I was cursing like a sailor and didn’t think a thing about it until one of the guys said, “You’ve got a helluva mouth. How do you keep Sam from cussing like that?”

I’ve never had a problem not cursing in front of Sam, so I couldn’t answer that question. It bothered me, but eventually I started right back up.

Later on during lunch (BTW-Q.S.& L. has a great Chicken Quesadilla Salad), I realized that I was also speaking about individual women in very derogatory ways. The two guys that I was eating with are both single and on the look out, so it didn’t seem abnormal at the time.

Friday night, I spent a lot of time thinking about why it was that I acted those ways (i.e. the cursing and “coveting,” for lack of a better term. The best that I could tell was that I just wanted to fit in with my current group. In doing so, I was neither my “authentic” nor the “best-version-of-my-” self.

Saturday morning, I came into work and was doing a bunch of busy work. It was stuff that had to get done, but it didn’t require a bunch of concentration. I set about thinking about other parts of my life that I wasn’t living authentically or as the best-version-of-myself.

What came to mind made me feel entirely uncomfortable. My oldest and best friends are my camping buddies, fantasy sports partners, fellow Reds attendees, and generally they guys that I would list as my groomsmen if I were to be married tomorrow. However, when I am around them, I find myself acting wholly and utterly inappropriate. I don’t know why I feel the need to do this around them other than I feel that I am expected to do so. I’m the one that should comment on women’s chest sizes. I’m the one that makes inappropriate jokes at the expense of their wives or moms.

I think that it would come as a surprise to them that I don’t really enjoy acting like that. It’s not the cool thing to admit, but I feel like shit after I do it. I don’t want to be that guy. I’m not that guy.

Who I am is not conservative, nor is it liberal. I’m not Republican and I’m not Democrat.

What I know I am is:

• compassionate
• forgiving
• accepting
• tolerant
• loving
• helpful
• funny
• serving
• out-going
• free-giving

There are other things that I am, but that’s as far as I can go for now. This could become one of those long, boring lists of self-gratifying adjectives, but that’s not what I’m after. Frankly, I don’t care if people read this or not. This is for me.

I am committed to becoming more true and authentic. God, help me as I struggle towards becoming who you created me to be. Help me to live my life for You, and not in merely claiming to be “in Your name” so as to generate attention to myself. Help me to stay humble. Help me to be Your servant. I know that I'm a work in progress.

In the immortal words of the masses:

     Dear God,

     Help.

     Sincerely,

     Me