Singing the National Anthem with the Xavier Band

This was so much fun. I wish I could do this all the time. I love performing with a live ensemble.

Overflow happens

When I decided to ask some friends to join me in a little outreach to help the homeless of downtown Cincinnati, I was so happy that a few people wanted to help. I felt pushed to email my friends Morgan and see if she wanted to help out. Her response was an emphatic "yes."

I made some more calls and sent some more emails. I decided early on not to be pushy or demanding. I didn't want to push guilt onto anyone. I rarely asked people more than once if they wanted to help.

Just before this all started, I heard a podcast that talked about blessings in your life. The theme was "God will only bless you as much as you have the faith to believe." If you have faith that God will overflow your cup, then it will (in due time) overflow.

Here's where it get's interesting.

If you have faith that God will overflow not just a cup, but a bucket, you will be abliged..again, in due time. The same goes for a bucket, a barrel or a barn. If you trust and believe, it will happen.

I decided early on to trust big. When I asked companies/generous individuals for donations, I said "We're going to put together 200 bags, but whatever you can do will help. If you can do 200, that would be amazing." To me, 200 was "barrel" territory. I'm not to barn level yet, but I'm working on it.

The response was overflow.

• 288 decks of playing cards
• 350+ resuable shopping bags
• 200 pairs of socks
• 400 handwarmers
• 300 foot warmers
• 100 sets of toothbrushes and toothpaste
• 100 sets of scarves, hats and gloves.
• 200 bottles of water
• 100 boxes of candy
• 100 coupons for a free breakfast combo @ Wendy's
• 16 top-quality rolling duffle bags (to be filled for families that we encounter)

Keep in mind, this is in addition to the bags that were donated by individuals. The above list is just what was donated above-and-beyond the (care)bags. I prayed for a barrel and got a barn. You can bet your arse that I switched to barn. I feel a stadium coming on.

(care)olers and (care)cincinnati were figments of my imagination. A "what if" that my over-active mind dreamt up. I finally had the courage to tell one person. The response gave me the courage to tell two more. From there, it went all nuts...in a great way.

Tomorrow, 300+ citizens of Cincinnati that don't have an address, telephone number, or roof of their own will be shown compassion. They will be loved without conditions. They will be warmed in body and soul. I couldn't have imagined that this would happen. I couldn't be happier that it has.

God has truly blessed this group. I feel it everyday. I have had things happen to me that have NEVER happened before. I have dreamt things that have happened and things have happened that I could NEVER have dreamt in my wildest dreams.

I hoped for 50 bags and we have over 300. My next hope was for 50 (care)olers. I can't wait to see what the morning brings. I'll be in Washington Park @ noon singing Oh Come, All Ye Faithful with my newest friends. I pray that all of you have the courage to do the same. What a day for Cincinnati...what a day.

Peace, my friends.
BPJ.

For more information on (care)olfest, (care)olers, and (care)cincinnati, visit us @ http://www.carecincinnati.org/.

Oh-Eight, Oh-Nine, Oh-No....

I sensed this two year ago. My particular industry works in three-year terms sometimes, so we started dealing with 2010 during 2007. People had been saying, "Oh-Six to Oh-Nine" for that three-year term, and then I heard them start saying, "Oh-Seven to Oh-Ten.". Beh.

I'll agree with you that there is a zero before the ten in 2010. However, you didn't say "Double-Oh Seven" for 2007, did you? Huh? No.

If you don't want to say "Oh-nine to ten", just say "Oh-nine to One-Oh." Personally, I prefer "Ought-Nine to Twenty-ten." I think that it has a nice ring to it.

So, you car dealerships out there, you are NOT selling "Oh-Ten Elantras" or "Oh-Ten F-150s". Just say "Two-thousand and ten."

Jen Ludwin Update

I've exchanged e-mails with Jen's mom over the last few days and all seems to be going well. Jen is going through a round of surgery on her hands/fingers that are very painful, but she seems in good spirits. She still has a trach in, so they have to read her lips.

They're watching TV, movies, doing crosswords and taking good naps. Not ready for visitors yet, but we'll keep you posted.

Keep praying...it's worked so far.

Father God,
Thank you for all that you've done for your daughter, Jenny.
Thank you for knowing that there is more for her to do here
on earth than in heaven.
We praise you for knowing the reasons and ask that you make
them known to her when the time is right.
Through your Son we pray,
Amen

Winter haiku

battery is dead
it sure picked the wrong morning
please start tomorrow

(care)olers

I haven't written much on here about this, but I am heading up the formation of a non-profit group called (care)cincinnati. Our main outreach is called (care)olers. Read all about it by clicking here.

I have TONS of bags that I can give to you to fill. I'm going to get some business cards with our information on the front and a shopping list on the back. If you are interested in passing some out, just let me know. Even if 25% of them come back, that would be hundreds of bags. Awesome. Just...awesome.

We are working with some venues downtown to get approval for singing and I am trying to coordinate with a shelter or homeless organization to coordinate a distribution of the bags on the afternoon of December 19th.

If you are interested in helping in some way, please contact me through this blog or through the website above.

Peace,
BPJ

My Christmas-time performances...so far

People usually ask me around this time of year where I will be performing. So, here you go. I'm sure some stuff will be added...plus all of the (care)olers stuff.

• Friday, November 27th
• Singing with the Holly & Ivy Carolers @ Cincinnati Premium Outlets - 2:00p-4:00p
• Sunday, November 29th
• Singing with the Holly & Ivy Carolers @ Cincinnati Premium Outlets - 2:00p-4:00p
• Sunday, December 6th
• Playing tuba with the Southwest Ohio Symphonic Band @ Miami University - Middletown Finkelman Auditorium - 2:30p
• Saturday, December 12th
• Playing tuba at the Greater Cincinnati TubaChristmas @ Newport on the Levee - 3:00p
• Singing with the Holly & Ivy Carolers @ Western Hills Country Club - Private Event
• Sunday, December 13th
• Singing with the Holly & Ivy Carolers @ Cincinnati Premium Outlets - 2:00p-4:00p
• Wednesday, December 16th
• Directing the Cincinnati Insurance Singers and singing several solos for the PrimeTime Christmas Party @ Friendship United Methodist Church - Private Event
• Saturday, December 19th
• Singing/Playing with the (care)olers and delivering (care)bags downtown. - time TBD - please sign-up for updates...we'd love to have you with us!!!!
• Sunday, December 20th
• Singing with the Holly & Ivy Carolers @ Cincinnati Premium Outlets - 2:00p-4:00p
•  Tuesday, December 29th
• Singing the National Anthem @ Cintas Center for the Xavier Men's Basketball game vs. Lousiana State University - 7:00p (also playing in the Pep Band!)

Holy tired ramblings, Batman.

That last entry is a hot mess. I'll try that topic again in a few. It was about midnight and I was exhausted.

Where there is despair, hope

The Prayer of St. Francis has always been very special to me. In a series of entries over the next couple of weeks I plan to break down each line and what it means to me.

"Where there is despair, hope"

Despair sucks. Bad. There is nothing as bad as the feeling that one has when you know that all hope is lost and that there is no way out. Anyone that has suffered through or is currently suffering from depression can tell you that. There were periods of time in my early twenties where I barely left our apartment. I skipped class like it was my job. I called in sick to work non-stop. It got so bad at one point that Amy called the principal of the school where I was teaching and asked if I had been missing a lot of days. She knew something was wrong...

I knew something was wrong too, but I was too clouded by depair to see what "it" was. Everything about my life seemed to be horrible. All I wanted to do was sit at home and watch The Price is Right and The Jerry Springer Show. I was addicted to pornography, something of which I am terribly ashamed. I lied to everyone about everything. I told school that work was keeping me from coming and I told work that school was taking up all my time.

I never studied. I didn't see the use. I got by on reading the chapters right before the classes that I actually decided to attend. I am blessed with an above-average intelligence. Unfortunately, I wasn't using it to it's full potential; I was using it to barely get by.

I know now what was going on: I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder (more specifically: atypical depression) and Attention Deficit Disorder. So, my brain was working against itself on two different fronts: I wanted to be away from everyone to avoid rejection and stimuli, but my attention issues craved stimuli. It caused serious mood swings and outbursts. I was a total mess.

Hope for me came in several different forms:

   -My wife, Amy. She never gave up on me. She always supported what I needed to do.

   -My therapist, Jaime. She was amazing. She "got" me, and most of my major breakthroughs happened though our sessions.

   -Psychotropic drugs. More specifically: citalopram

It happened slowly, but I sought treatment, changed my life, shed my baggage, and moved on. I simplified my life and took my medicine and it helped immensely. My current doctor said it in a way that I hadn't really thought about it before: "You take these medicines not to be 'better', but to be 'normal'." I had always seen my anti-depressent as a way of helping. I never thought of trying more until it worked.

So, recently, I started to take ADD medicine, and it has changed my life. I have ambitition, control, concentration, and determination. Quite frankly, it's amazing.

For many people, despair comes in other equally-ghastly forms. Any time you can't see "the bright side of things", you are dangerously dangling over the precipice of depair. I have a friend at work (hi, if you're reading this) that's experiencing a bit of dispair right now. This person doesn't feel like their job is doable in it's current form; that there's too much expected out of this person and their peers.

The dangerous part of that mindset is that it transitions you from doubt to dispair. Once you cross that gap, it takes much more effort to cross back over.

I have recently taken on the mindset of "God won't throw anything at me that I can't handle." I have more work on my desk now than I have in a LONG time, but I have a plan and I know that I can get through. If I allow myself to get bogged down by the sheer volume of work, I'm done-for...and I've been there before.

Much worse than work issues are relationship issues. As humans, we invest so much into interpersonal relationships. When the relationship is of a romantic nature, the investment jumps exponetially. So it is to be expected that when one party in a long-term romantic relationship suddenly calls it quits, the other party falls down into the pit very quickly. I have a family member going through this now and they're working through it. It's has taken them months to start crawling out though. I don't know that they could have avoided it, to be honest. This person is blessed, however, with a GREAT support system.

The final key to this whole puzzle is "the Man." While we claw and scrape to climb out of our pit, leaning on Jesus sure makes it a lot easier. He doesn't do all the work for you, but it's like the difference between climbing a mountain without gear, or having a Sherpa to quide you.

Jesus doesn't physically sit by your side and talk to you. If He does, you're either divine or crazy. What He does do is give you a road map to get out of whatever it is that you may be stuggling with:

   -Trust in Him. You have got to trust that God's got your back.

   -Read the Word. Get out your bible and read two passages
       -Job.  I know, it's not a passage; it's a book.
       -Romans 5:1-8. Hard to argue with the logic.

This is a tough topic for me. Maybe it's too close to my heart, or maybe it's just too big for me to tackle. I think this one's going to need a part II.

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Jen Ludwin Update

I recieved another update from my contact at Roger Bacon. It all appears to be going as well as can be hoped/expected.

As soon as she's out of the ICU, I'll be up to visit her.

Subject: Jenny update
Date: Tuesday, November 10, 2009, 10:22 AM

Greetings!

Sometimes, no news means not-bad news. Mostly, in this case, that holds to be true.

I spoke with Sandy last night and Dave on Sunday. Jenny is still in ICU; will be for some undetermined time, I believe, and then rehab for months. She is having good days and bad days and having lots of procedures done. I cannot imagine. Her lungs are progressing to where the doctors expect them to be at this time.  Her mental health is good; they have figured ways for her to communicate her needs and feelings. She even watched movies and football Sunday night! She is awake and responsive more than before.

Again, Sandy and Dave Ludwin both expressed gratitude for all of the prayers, good wishes, and food sent their way from the Bacon community and beyond. Thanks for your prayers and help!

A big idea

I've been thinking more and more about what it would mean to be homeless and/or living in poverty. I know that many people see homelessness as a choice, or "the easy way out." I'm sure that there are those for whom that is the truth. However, I believe that to be the exception to the rule. Unfortunately, that is also the stereotype that many people attach to the panhandler living amongst our parks, fountains, and stoops.

I know that I can't eradicate poverty. I know that I can't get every homeless man and women a roof and three squares. But there is one thing that I do know how to do: make music.

There are a couple ideas that I have been bouncing around.
1) getting together a group of singer friends (and non-singers that want to go) and setting up shop near P.B.S. before a Bengals game. I thought that it might be cool to work with one or more of the drumming guys down there to help them get more tips.

2) getting together a similar group of instrumentalists and doing the same thing. May. With a group of singers.

3) performing FOR the homeless during the game. I have a feeling that the just wait for the game to let out. A little musical entertainment couldn't be less interesting...or maybe it would.

In conjunction with all of this, I would like to put together some bags with some things that would be either essential or a luxury to someone that doesn't have a roof to call their own:
1) gloves, scarves and hats (bought at the Totes Outlet with donations. Believe it or not, I'm also learning to knit so that I can make them while I watch tv shows/sports.
2) crank radio/flashlight (this would be a little bit harder, but maybe there's a benefactor out there.)
3) granola bars, candy bars, reusable water bottles.

I know that this sounds ambitious, but I can't get it out of my head. Surely some of you work for companies that have entire storerooms of 'swag' left over from some event. Maybe you know someone that owns a business that has a big heart. I've seen tons of those drawstring backpacks around...I'm sure that there's a lonely box somewhere.

I need help with this for it to ever work. Do you feel the same pull to help "the least of our brothers"?

Comment below or send me an e-mail. Let's cut through the stereotypes and help the people.

Jenny Ludwin Update

This is an email from Jenny's parents:

From: Jen's Parents
Sent: Tuesday, November 03, 2009 7:55 AM
Subject: Update

Over the last week, progress has been very slow.

Jenny continues to be in ICU and will likely be there for another week or so. She is still very sick.

They have removed the dialysis and her kidneys seem to be working fairly normal most of the time. She is on a vent machine and they are working on reducing the amount of work the machine is doing. On Sunday, they
did a breathing test where she did her own breathing for about 50 minutes. That went well and will likely continue with another period today.

She continues to respond to questions by nodding her head for a yes or no answer. This has been fairly consistent for almost a week.

Since she is a little more stable, they will be conducting a lot more tests to determine her short and long term prognosis.

Please continue to pray for her as she continues with her progress.

Dave and Sandy Ludwin

 
Two words: PRAISE GOD!!!

Rest in Peace, Charlie Matthews

I recieved this from the CaringBridge page for Charlie this morning. It was written by his amazingly loving and devoted wife, Angie.

Charlie passed away peacefully this morning with family and close friends by his side. His 37 years were packed with so much life and joy. In the coming days we will be sure to post information about services and funeral arrangements. It would mean so much to mean for all of you to be there to remember him.

Thanks for your support through this. He fought a good fight.

With love,
Angie

Charlie is one of those people that I wish I would have gotten to know. I knew him in passing and, as a musician, I admired his musicality. I talked to him once or twice and complimented him on his playing. I loved to watch him play the bass and march to a particularly up-beat song.

Any time that I hear of the passing of someone this young and vibrant the shocking reality of my mortality hits home. Charlie had young kids...just like my Sam. Charlie was to begin a new, exciting chapter in his life the day after he had to go into the hospital by becoming the new Senior Pastor at Mason Vineyard. I have prayed more fervently since I heard of his illness, but I know that God has a plan.

As I type this post my seemingly Jesus-controlled iPod is singing these glaringly timely lyrics by Matt Redman:

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say,
"Lord, blessed be Your name!"

Jen Ludwin Update

I'm going to get some prayer service stuff up here later, but I wanted to let you know that Jen has suffered some setbacks. Apparently, she is having some problems with fluid in her lungs. In addition, the doctors have discovered at least one tear in her lungs.

Please continue to pray for Jen and her family. These are some serious complications...miracles are in order.

Letter from Jen Ludwin's Parents

This letter came from the Director of Alumni Relations at Roger Bacon. She recieved it from the Ludwins today.

From Dave and Sandy Ludwin

I wanted to send an update out to the Bellarmine and Roger Bacon communities.

Over the last several days Jen has shown signs of slight improvement.

She is relatively more stable and they have started the process of decreasing the meds.   This will take several days to get flushed out.
She continues to be on the vent but they are trying to wean her off.  They have started the assessment process of damage to her but it is too early to tell.  Biggest concerns are heart lungs and brain.

She is responding to our voices and can answer basic questions with head motions. She is still very sick and will be in ICU for at least one to two weeks.

Your continued support and prayers are greatly appreciated.  Please feel free to pass this information along. Please let me know that you received this.

Dave and Sandy Ludwin

"Recovery" is such a beautiful word

Good morning, All!

Here is an email that I just recieved from the same former colleague from Roger Bacon:

Greetings All!

I just received a brief note from Sandy Ludwin about Jen’s progress. Many of you have been asking, so I thought I would send a brief update: Sandy says she believes the prayers are working and that Jen has a long road to recovery ahead of her. Personally, I loved that update! Thanks for all of your prayers and concerns; keep it up! I believe all of the Ludwin family has been buoyed by the support and prayers sent their way.

Recovery is such a beautiful word.

Remember to come to the prayer service tomorrow night at Roger Bacon...6:45pm.

Peace,
BPJ

Prayer Service for Jen Ludwin on Wednesday at Roger Bacon

Friends,

Jen is making progress, so it is evident that our prayers for intercession are working. While our individual prayers are great, group prayer is even better. I like to think of the scene in Horton Hears a Who where the sound of thousands of voices are amplified in a colorful beam of energy...let's do it! Even if you don't know her, if you're free, come and see how one person can impact so many.

We'll be on the St. Francis Plaza on Wednesday, October 28th at 6:45pm. The more the merrier...let's overflow all over the entire campus. CLICK THIS LINK for directions. Here's a picture of where St. Francis Plaza is at Roger Bacon:

I'll be planning it with Bob Von Luehrte. We are both blessed to know Jen and were the adult leaders on retreats that Jen helped to lead. We don't have details yet, but email (in my "about me" page in upper right) me with ideas. There will be prayer, scripture, song, and more. We'll have a banner to sign and we'll video it to send to her and her family.

We'll need the following for sure:

• Vigil Candles (Can anyone donate?)
• Readers
• Musicians
• Someone that can procure a non-paper, durable banner to take up to her. Anyone know or work for a compassionate sign company owner?
• Videographer (anyone?)
• Photographer (anyone?)
• Bodies!!!!!
• People to pray with and care for people that may become overcome by emotions or Holy Spirit.

Keep praying! Our Father God is listening to our hearts and holding Jen in the palm of His mighty hand.

Peace,
BPJ

Jen Ludwin Update #5

Praise God!!! Jen is coming out sedation. She recognizes her family, but is still on the vent. Thanks again for the update, Jake!

Jen Ludwin Update #4

Courtesy of Jake Brians:



Jake visited the hospital on Friday. Thanks for the updates, brother.

Jen Ludwin Update #3

No news is good news, I guess. Jen has had a couple of good days. She is still gravely I'll, but the prayers are obviously being heard.

There was a prayer service this morning at St. Vivian Catholic Church in Finneytown. It was organized by Sandy's (mom's) CRHP group and her book club.

If any of you hear of further prayer services, please let me know. I'm going to contact BVL at Bacon on Monday about organizing a RB alumni prayer service this week (Wed night?).

To recap, as far as I've heard, Jen has H1N1 and a blood infection. I don't know which was first. She is on a ventilator and dialysis and, from what I've been told, she had surgery at least once to troubleshoot some problem organs. If you know more, or differently, let me know.

Keep on praying and ask more people to pray. You'd be surprised what people will do when asked.

Peace
J.

The message I just sent to Jen on facebook

Come on Jen...I want that return message...

Jenny Ludwin Update #2

I just recieved another email that was from Jenny's mother to my former colleague. Please pray even harder, if that's possible...Jen is struggling mightily.

From: Jenny's Mom
Sent: Thursday, October 22, 2009, 10:56 AM
To: Teacher at Roger Bacon
Subject: Re: Jen

Jen is worse and we are getting close to having pull life support. If she survives there will be amputation of toes and fingertips and they are worried about brain and lung damage. Temp and heart rate are going wacky right now.

It's not good news, but it's the only news that I have. Please pray hard...very hard.

Peace,
BPJ

P.S. If you are reading this because of the link from facebook put up around noon on 10/22/09, know that I can't read any messages or comments because I am at work. If you need to talk to me for some reason, you can email me. To get my email address, just click on the photo to the right and then click on the link in my "About Me" page that says "Email".

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Jenny Ludwin Update #1

This was forwarded to me by a former colleague at Roger Bacon. It is from Jenny's mother.

From: Jenny's Mom
Sent: Wednesday, October 21, 2009 8:36 AM
To: Teacher at Roger Bacon
Subject: Re: Jen

I can get my emails on my blackberry. Thanks for the prayers. She held her own last night. Is still unconscious and on ventilator and dialysis. Multiple organs have failed but they have been able to support them all. She is feisty and fighting for all she is worth.

Please, keep prayer for Jenny and Charlie Matthews. Charlie, the senior pastor at Mason Vineyard, is also still fighting for his life. Healthy man in his early thirties, wife and two kids, and double pneumonia. He's having a tracheotomy done today, so plays pray for a complication-free procedure and multiple benefits from the new airway.

Peace,
BPJ

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Wednesday morning sonnet

Sonnet II

at times it’s hard to see your presence here

it seems that nothing in this world goes right

we wait for word throughout the long, still night

we pray we find good news, not news to fear
the people that we love, that we hold dear
too often are the ones chosen to fight
the question often brought up, wrong or right
why is it that the Lord will not appear?
but just when all seems lost and hopes, they wane
the miracle for which we pray begins to show
the God in whom we trust, He shows His hand
the blessing may appear as lessened pain
it may be that this world, they must forgo
but rest assured, they’ve felt His love firsthand

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Urgent Prayer Request

Friends and Strangers,

One of my former students, Jenny Ludwin, is fighting for her life against the H1N1 flu in the ICU at the OSU Medical Center in Columbus. Jenny is one of the good ones...one of the most giving people I've met.

I had the good fortune to lead a retreat with her at Roger Bacon just before I resigned from there. She's on a ventilator and fighting a mean blood infection.

Please, please, please prayer for her. I know that there are so many people to pray for these days (including Charlie Matthews), but please include her in your talks with God.

If you don't pray much and don't really know how, just settle yourself, clear your mind, and read this. It doesn't have to be outloud, if that weirds you out.

Father God,
I lift up Jenny to your care. If it is Your will, please deliver her from this terrible virus. Father, I ask that You give strength to her lungs, that You clear her blood, and that through Your Son, Jesus, You heal her of all illness.

Father, allow us all to speak together for her in the words of David, "Oh Lord my God, I called to your for help and you healed me."

Through Christ our Lord we pray,
Amen

Thank you all...

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A Monday evening cinquain

sammy
happy silly
running laughing smiling
a superhero in training
son





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A Sunday morning haiku

ass warmer in car

best way to start the morning

thank you mister dodge

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Getting in on the ground floor

People that became the original investors in the Coca-Cola Company made incredible amounts of money. Their return on investment was incredible. The list of opportunities that people have taken advantage of to build their wealth is a mile long. We all wish that we had been among these lucky/smart people. What did they see that everyone else missed?

For the last three weeks, my church has been discussing the birth of the church. Not a specific church, but the church as the Body of Christ. The series is entitled The Jesus Underground. We've been reading the book of Acts. To be perfectly honest, I had never studied Acts in-depth before now. It's a shame really; where better to find the answers to the questions about faith with which we all struggle?

For those of you that aren't familiar with the book of Acts, here's, a little analogy for you:
The Gospel of Luke is to the Book of Acts what The Two Towers is to The Fellowship of the Ring.

If you haven't read them recently, you really should. If you're a Believer, it will help you to realize how we got where we are today; if you are not a Believer, read it with fresh eyes. Ask yourself what it would take for you to see to believe...because these men and women saw that.

If you spend a lot of time online, you can read it here. If you are a friend of mine and you prefer an actual book, let me know. I'll give you a copy of the New Testament.

It tells the story of how the "disciples" became the "apostles." Disciple means follower, but apostle means witness. How these men and women became willing to die to get the story out. They got in on the ground floor. They learned about Jesus from Jesus. No matter who you are, this is a good story.

There is a verse that has been stuck in my brain for the last couple of days. Acts 3:6.

I have no silver or gold, but what I do have I give you.

I don't have a lot of money, but what I can give is myself.

Brick Testament

Courtesy of my cyber-friend Steve.

The Brick Testament

The Hardest Part of Love is the Letting Go: A Made for DVR Love Story

Before the beautiful wonderfulness of the DVR made it into my house, I would know when it was time to stop watching a TV show. I would just not want to watch it or not want to go through the hassle of setting the VCR timer and getting a blank tape ready.

But now...oh the ease of the DVR. It's the quintessential Ron Popiel "Set It And Forget It" service. You set it to record ONE TIME, choose "All" or "New" and the DVR just does your bidding. However, there is a dark side to this marvel of boob tube technology.

You become a slave the DVR. It mocks you with it's list of shows. You see that you have four Law and Order recorded and you feel like you have to "catch up." But why? If this was 1995, you would be four episodes behind and you'd just think, "Eh...I'm done with this show. I'll watch it if it's on."

I have decided to go retro and purge my DVR. Not entirely...I'm not crazy. I am clearing out old episodes of many-a-show, and deleting timers to free myself of much of the mind-numbing slavery which ate at my 9:00p-11:00p time frame.

Without further adieu...the "let go":

• Law & Order
• Survivor
• America's Got Talent
• The Biggest Loser
• Dancing with the Stars
• Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives
• Community
• Parks and Recreation

That represents eight hours of my week that I can have back...and that's not even my whole list. Eight hours is a lot of time. Good bye, old friends.

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Where there is doubt, faith

The Prayer of St. Francis has always been very special to me. In a series of entries over the next couple of weeks I plan to break down each line and what it means to me.

"Where there is doubt, faith"

We face doubt nearly every day of our lives. While we often doubt others, it is ourselves whom we doubt the most. We doubt our abilities when it comes to just about everything. If you are one of the lucky few that has a super-strong confidence, I salute you. You go day-in-and-day-out knowing that you can do exactly what you put your mind to. Unfortunately, you are in an even deeper whole than the rest of us. Reason being, at some point you will fail. You will either fail yourself or someone will let you down when it really counts...someone that you can't just cut out of your life. 

There it is...doubt.

While the opposite of doubt in just about every grammar book is "confidence," the author of this prayer takes it out of the tangible and puts it into the intangible...faith. Let's define these three words to examine exactly what we're talking about:

• Doubt: a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.
• Confidence: full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing
• Faith: belief that is not based on proof

The subtle difference between the last two make all the difference. When you have confidence in something, you have full trust because there is a track record...a history that supports your conviction. When you have faith in something, you need no proof.

I have confidence that I will be able to drive from here to Panera when I'm done to meet with some new friends to discuss the current series at V.C.C. on the Book of Acts: The Jesus Underground. I have this confidence because I've left here before and driven to Tri-County. I know the way and even if I encounter traffic, I know alternate routes.

Looking at the same situation, I have faith that God will get me there safely. Here's the kicker: if I don't arrive safely, and am in an accident or something equally terrible, I know that there is a reason. I have faith not just that God will get me there safely, but that if I don't get there safely, God had other plans for me.

Now, I know that God's not my co-pilot or my Garmin. I know that I still need to be careful and drive just as defensively as ever, but I have faith that, at the end of the night, I will be where God wishes me to be. Hopefully, that is safe in bed, sandwiched between the heated mattress pad, flannel sheets, and the heavy denim comforter.

I don't believe in predestination. I don't believe that God decides how my life will progress and end at the moment I'm born. However, I do know that God has his thumb in the middle of my back, gently steering me, but allowing me to follow my own free will. My faith comes in His steering...I trust his direction. If I doubt where my life is leading me, I pray about it and listen intently. Then, I have faith that my decision is the right one.

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A.D.D and Me - 1 week followup

As a middle school, high school and college student, I often wondered how all of the other students did it. How did they do so much and still be so successful? I was able to excel in Music, but that required little effort because for the talent with which I was blessed.

Well, my friends, I’ve figured it out: they didn’t have the 6-lane highway of thoughts coursing through their brains at 70 miles per hour. I always assumed that most people had to cope with the never-ending, always-shifting thought patterns flying around their consciousness.

In what has become a common theme in this blog and my life: I was wrong.

I have now been on A.D.D. medicine for one week and I cannot believe the impact that it has had on my life. The most important thing: I’m still me. I don’t feel different during the day; I just don’t notice everything going on around me. My mind doesn’t shoot off like a Tron disc to whatever it chooses. If I’m working on something, I stay on task.

I have the ability at work to run a report to see how much work I’ve routed around in one of our systems. It makes up about 80% of my workload, so it’s a pretty good indicator. My productivity is up 252% from last week. Wrap your heads around that one. What used to take me five days to do now takes two days. I get the same amount of work completed by 11:15am that use to require a full day to complete.

I’m not jumpy, hyper, overly-energized, glazed-over, high, low, tired, “out of it”, or any other phrase that you could use to describe how a person taking a psychotropic drug might act.

I was always worried that I would somehow be a failure for taking drugs for my two main debilitations: depression/anxiety & attention deficit. Now that I am finally treating both effectively, I wish that I could have a do-over on life. I wonder what I could have achieved and accomplished. I’ve been over that before…it doesn’t do a person any favors to reminisce about things that never will or never could be redone.

I used to have a mind that would send out feelers like the roots of a weed. I would keep an ear on every conversation within ear-shot. Now, I focus on what I need to complete and I complete it.

Quite simply: I can now live up to my potential…and I’m excited to see what God has in store for me.

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Where there is injury, pardon

The Prayer of St. Francis has always been very special to me. In a series of entries over the next couple of weeks I plan to break down each line and what it means to me.

"Where there is inury, pardon"

And you thought that dealing with hatred was bad. Suffering through hatred is not half as bad as learning to forgive. There is nothing in life that we hold onto harder than a grudge...money does come in a close second. The worst part of all is that I can't remember half as many of the injuries that I have caused as grudges that I hold.

Forgiving another person goes against every built-in mechanism that we humans have. We are survivors. We look out for "number 1." We protect what is ours. We are proud of what we do. So, when someone attacks us, our natural instinct is to do one of two things:

• Fight back
• Go all armadillo and protect ourselves

Either way, the grudge is only minutes away. If you fight back, you may feel good about what you did for a second, but then the original hurt of the attack is compounded by the hurt felt because of the confrontation. This kind of hurt usually manifests itself as animosity. If you curl up like a roly poly bug, it's only a matter of time before you have to come out of your shell and face the world. This kind of hurt usually builds up until you snap.

The memory of being hurt last much longer than the memory of hurting another. It's natural for our mind to sweep that up in the dustpan with the periodic table and long division...things once important but now forgotten. You say something to someone and you might not see them again for years.

For the one that is hurt, things are much different. I still remember a specific day in high school that hurts me to my core. We were getting changed for a Friday football game during my junior year and I had been one of the people in charge of teaching the routine to the band during the week. We were called the Brain Trust.

After putting on my oh-so-dapper uniform, I stopped to remind a fellow band member about a specific routine with which they had a problem grasping. Halfway through my sentence I was interupted by the guy as he spat at me, "Shut up, you fat fuck." If I'm being honest with myself, that still hurts.

I was an armadillo. I hurried away into the hallway like I had something else to do. It took everything that I had to keep from losing it. I was a fragile young man. I was self-conscious and self-loathing. I was, indeed, fat. I was also loud, obnoxious, and a know-it-all. (I wouldn't learn until adulthood that I suffered from chemical depresison and A.D.D.)

I didn't forgive that classmate for years. I never told him that I forgave him and he didn't ask, but the minute I said it to myself, I felt so much better. He had never apologized and still never has. He is a facebook friend of mine, so I guess that he may read this. If he does, I want him to know that he is forgiven.

The 20th century author and theologian Lewis Smedes said it best:

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

Forgiveness, as it relates to this prayer, is very easy for some and even harder than forgiving another person for others. "Lord, make me more like you. Where I have been hurt, let me forgive without regret." That's how Jesus forgives. If we are to become an instrument of His peace, what is required of us is actively forgiving ourselves and others with wreckless abandon.

God's forgiveness through Jesus is free and absolute. Mark 2:1-12 is one of my favorite stories of the outright boldness of Christ's forgiving nature.

Mark 2

A Paraplegic

 ^1-5 After a few days, Jesus returned to Capernaum, and word got around that he was back home. A crowd gathered, jamming the entrance so no one could get in or out. He was teaching the Word. They brought a paraplegic to him, carried by four men. When they weren't able to get in because of the crowd, they removed part of the roof and lowered the paraplegic on his stretcher. Impressed by their bold belief, Jesus said to the paraplegic, "Son, I forgive your sins."

 ^6-7Some religion scholars sitting there started whispering among themselves, "He can't talk that way! That's blasphemy! God and only God can forgive sins."

 ^8-12Jesus knew right away what they were thinking, and said, "Why are you so skeptical? Which is simpler: to say to the paraplegic, 'I forgive your sins,' or say, 'Get up, take your stretcher, and start walking'? Well, just so it's clear that I'm the Son of Man and authorized to do either, or both . . ." (he looked now at the paraplegic), "Get up. Pick up your stretcher and go home." And the man did it—got up, grabbed his stretcher, and walked out, with everyone there watching him. They rubbed their eyes, incredulous—and then praised God, saying, "We've never seen anything like this!" (Mark 2:1-12, The Message)

In order to truly feel God's forgiveness, you have to acknowledge your sin. That's the hard part. Nothing is as hard as saying to God, "Jesus...I'm really sorry...but I like to watch porn on Al Gore's information superhighway." I jest, but what about these:

• "Jesus, I'm truly sorry that I stole that cash from my coworker."
• "Lord, please forgive me for not telling my mother that I loved her before she died."
• God, I wish that I never would have started doing coke...but I did. Please forgive me for all of the hurt that I caused so many people."

It's sometimes hard to figure out when you truly mean it. I knew that I finally wanted God's forgiveness when I had the strength to face the people that I had hurt and ask for forgiveness. I knew that God had already forgiven me; now I just wanted to start a relationship anew.

I hope that my wife doesn't mind me telling this story. 14 years ago, just after we started dating, she wrote a letter to a friend of hers saying that she didn't feel like they could be friends anymore. She told her that she was moving on with her life and that this friend was no longer going to be part of it.

She hadn't thought about it for years. Earlier this year, she was on facebook and saw the person's profile. She friended her and waited to be accepted. What she had no way of knowing is that this former friend was hurt very profoundly by what my wife had written. Her response to Amy was, "Is this a joke?"

After a couple of messages back and forth, they agreed that they should meet. We all met at the zoo and I was not wanting to be there. I was, after all, one of the big reasons that Amy had written that letter in the first place.

When they saw each other, and hugged for a long, long time, it was evident that a powerful forgiving had happened. They both teared up and we spent the entire day catching up. We have since gone on two weekend vacations with them.

The friend had been hurt and had held onto that for more than ten years. By accepting Amy's apology, a huge cloud was lifted.

Some things just seem to horrible to forgive. Maybe you were abused, exploited or even raped. Turn to Jesus. He's not only good at forgiving your sins; he's pretty good at helping you forgive others, too.

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Where there is hatred, let me sow love

The Prayer of St. Francis has always been very special to me. In a series of entries over the next couple of weeks I plan to break down each line and what it means to me.

"Where there is hatred, let me sow love"

None of these lines are easy to say if you truly mean them. This particular line is difficult on two different levels: speaking out against hatred by others and eliminating the hatred that you have inside.

Speaking out against hatred is difficult for most. We idolize those that do it without pause:

• Martin Luther King, Jr.
• Nelson Mandela
• Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
• Jesus of Nazareth

How many times have you heard someone say something about “those n***ers” and not done anything about it? There are several people in my life that are bigots and make no bones about it. Some of it is generational, but I also know a guy that is 25, a professed Christian, but talks about not having to go to the zoo “because I can sit on my porch and watch all of the monkeys.”

I have not, until recently, said anything about it. Confrontation is hard, especially when with someone with which you have to deal on a regular basis. However, I would rather lose that person’s friendship than my own dignity.

Religious people can be some of the most hate-filled people that you’ll every meet. Devout Christians will spout some of the most bigoted thoughts that you’d ever hear. Bear in mind, I am not talking about beliefs; I’m talking about when they talk about specific people or ethnic groups.

We forget so easily that Jesus taught love across every imaginable barrier. The parable of the Good Samaritan is a perfect example. Read it again…even if you’ve read it before.

Just then a religion scholar stood up with a question to test Jesus. "Teacher, what do I need to do to get eternal life?"

He answered, "What's written in God's Law? How do you interpret it?"

He said, "That you love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and muscle and intelligence—and that you love your neighbor as well as you do yourself."

"Good answer!" said Jesus. "Do it and you'll live."

Looking for a loophole, he asked, "And just how would you define 'neighbor'?"

Jesus answered by telling a story. "There was once a man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he was attacked by robbers. They took his clothes, beat him up, and went off leaving him half-dead. Luckily, a priest was on his way down the same road, but when he saw him he angled across to the other side. Then a Levite religious man showed up; he also avoided the injured man.

"A Samaritan traveling the road came on him. When he saw the man's condition, his heart went out to him. He gave him first aid, disinfecting and bandaging his wounds. Then he lifted him onto his donkey, led him to an inn, and made him comfortable. In the morning he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, 'Take good care of him. If it costs any more, put it on my bill—I'll pay you on my way back.'

"What do you think? Which of the three became a neighbor to the man attacked by robbers?" 

"The one who treated him kindly," the religion scholar responded.

Jesus said, "Go and do the same.

 The Message Luke 10: 25-37

Our Senior Pastor, Dave Workman, had a great way of putting this story into a setting that we understand today. Samaritans were the scum-of-the-earth to the Jews in Jerusalem. They believed that they were the real Jews and that the Israelites had it wrong. These aren’t the exact examples that Dave used, but they get the same message across.

So, if you’re white, read this one:

There was once a middle-class white man traveling from Dallas to Houston. On the way, he was attached by robbers. They took everything that he had, beat him senseless and left him for dead.

Luckily, a minister was driving down the same road. However, when he saw the man, he looked away and sped down the street. Then, an upper-class man came down the road in his BMW, saw the injured man, but zoomed right by, leaving dust in his wake.

Jesse Jackson just happened to be traveling the same road. When he saw the injured white man, his heart went out to him. He took loaded him into his car and took him to urgent care to get him all fixed up, picking up the bill. From there, he drove to him a hotel in Houston and made him comfortable in the bed. He stayed there to watch over him through the night and, in the morning, he gave $100 to the desk manager saying, “If it costs more, just put it on my tab. I’ll settle up after my meeting.

If you’re black, just replace “white” with “black” and “Jesse Jackson” with “George Bush”.

You can do the same with “Republican” and “Nancy Pelosi.” Maybe “Democrat” and “Sarah Palin.”

The point is this: it doesn’t matter what color/religion/political party/etc you are. Love is blind and should not come with conditions or filters.

Eliminating the hatred that you have for others may be even more difficult. To me, there is nothing harder than admitting that you have a hatred for someone/a class of people in your heart. It may be as a result of something done to you by a specific person, something that you were raised to believe, or just something that you believe through sheer ignorance.

The best example in today’s world is the vilification of Muslims. As a result of the actions of a small percentage of a largely people, many Americans believe that all Muslims want to “kill the infidels” and destroy America. They are seen as a violent nation that just wants to blow things up.

The word “jihad” (basically a holy war) is thrown around like it’s a major part of the faith. The reality is that most Muslims believe that a jihad can only be declared by a “divinely-appointed leader.” Since Allah hasn’t done this since the 9th century, almost all Muslims do not believe that a military jihad is even possible. A small sect of the Sunni Muslims are the only ones that believe that it is a part of the faith and have made it their “Sixth Pillar.”

I’m not saying that I believe what the Muslims believe. There are some things that I find appaling (i.e. mistreatment of women). That’s the thing about hatred. You don’t have to believe what someone else believes to not hate. I can still love someone and not agree with them. The hatred comes when you allow yourself to vilify those with whom you do not agree or share a common bond (i.e. race or creed).

I struggled with racism through my high school years and into my early adulthood. There are still some remnants of this of which I am not proud. I still lock my doors when driving through a lower-class black neighborhood. I’m still suspicious of a group of Mexicans.

All I can do is pray for guidance and hope that God helps me to feel some of the love that he has for everyone.

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Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace

The Prayer of St. Francis has always been very special to me. In a series of entries over the next couple of weeks I plan to break down each line and what it means to me.

"Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace"

I'd like to think that this prayer was written in a time of great need in the author's life. Even though it's called The Prayer of St. Francis, it was almost certainly not written by St. Francis of Assisi. The prayer is a plea. Although it can be a calming prayer that is used to solidify beliefs and morals from which we stuggle not to stray, when you really think about the words, it is a poem begging for repentance.

While Jesus sometimes claimed to bring the opposite of peace (Luke 12:51), his actions spoke volumes to the contrary. He's favorite greeting was definately "Peace be with you." Even in the modern Catholic Mass, the last thing done before Holy Communion is a Sign of Peace that starts with the greeting "Peace by with you" spoken by the presider.

While there are many, many definitions that one could assign to the word, I believe that there are two principle meanings that apply directly to the teachings of Jesus"

• harmony is personal relations
• freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions

So, deconstructing the first line:

Jesus, Son of God and Prince of Peace, help me to bring harmony to my interactions with everyone that I meet and help me to clear other minds of their personal turmoil through my actions and words.

That's a good prayer in and of itself. Peace is freeing your mind of the noise and problems; it's being able to stay calm with it still going on around you. We can't heal anyone; all we can do is help them to know that Jesus' love is bigger than all the problems of this world.

The innerbattle that I have over this is that sometimes being "preachy" or "evangelistic" can bring more unrest than peace. The flipside to that arguement is that through helping someone to foster a relationship with Jesus Christ (even if there is a little bit of tough love involved), we are ultimately bringing peace to their heart.

That's where the "instrument" part comes in. The pray doesn't say, "Lord, help me force peace upon others." An instrument is only a small part in a large symphony. No one human is going to be able to bring peace to another by themselves. Only by working together as individual instruments in the symphony can we show others what it means to be a true Christian...a true instrument of Jesus' peace.

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