And I ran...I ran so far away.

I signed up to recieve a daily bible verse from a website a year or so ago. Those emails grew to be a little annoying. However, during those few months there were two verses that caught my eye. Both resonated with me and earned a stick pin in my cubicle wall next to my computer.

The first was Psalm 119:105:

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

That helps me to remember that God is not only a guide to my everyday decisions (lamp to my feet), but also helping me to see how those decision affect the future (light to my path).

The second was 1 Corinthians 9:24-29:

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

At the time, I used it to motivate me at work. I was not yet diagnosed, nor was I being treated, for A.D.D. I was having an incredibly hard time concentrating at work and getting anytime accomplished. There were times where I would sit at my desk and just pray that I could get one thing done that day. This passage from 1 Corinthians spoke to my heart. I did not want to "run aimlessly" and "I beat my body and [made] it my slave" so that I could be the best I could be.

Later that year, my life changed as I sought treatment. These words morphed into something much more. They have become my rallying call. They have, to me, become literal. I want to win the prize. I do everything that I can to win the prize. Yes, it has vast spirtual implications in my life. However, it's so much more in my life.

When I made the decision to take a radical path towards improved health, my world was thrown upside down. I knew that I wanted to do this to become healthier; not to become smaller. The latter is obviously a byproduct of the former, but it is so hard to qualify in any other way, for me.

My bloodwork is great. My blood pressure is a rock-steady 120 over 72. I don't have diabetes, high cholestoral, or any of the other "comorbidities" associated with morbid obesity. What I am is overweight.

I needed something that would be my guidepost. I wanted to be able to say, "Yeah, I lost 130 pounds, but the really awesome thing is ..." beh. I didn't have anything. I prayed about it a lot. I couldn't measure "being able to squat down and play with my son." I prayed some more.

During one of my mini mind breaks at work, I was praying for guidance and looked up at the wall of my cube. There, having been pinned up a year earlier, was the passage from 1 Corinthians. In addition, I had highlighted the sentence, "Run in such a way as to get the prize."

I knew right then what I had to do: run. The one exercise that I always said I despised. I used to say, "The only reason that you'll see me running is to get away from a pit bull."

"I beat my body and make it my slave..."

All at once, I wanted to run. I don't know what it was, but I suspect it was the Holy Spirit. I found a running plan on the internet called Couch-to-5K. It's a nine-week plan that is proven to help a dedicated person run a 5K race with no previous running experience. The last time that I ran for fitness was for the 8th grade Presidential Fitness test. It took me 17 minutes to run a mile...

I am currently in the 5th week and can't believe it. Not only am I doing it, but I'm enjoying it.

I'm going to run a 5K race on the 4th of July. I'm going to run a 10K race in August. I'm going to do the Little Miami Triathlon on 10/3/10. Then, one year to the day after I started running, I'm going to run the Flying Pig Marathon.

One of my friends told me to "be realistic". "After all," he said, "there's nothing wrong with running a half marathon."

He's right; there isn't. But I'm running for a lasting crown...not something that's not "wrong." I may become injured and not meet my goal. I do have a history of knee and foot injuries. No matter what, I'm going to beat my body into submission, I'm not going to run aimlessly, and I'm going to win the prize.

"Yes, I lost 130 pounds, but you know what's really cool? I won the prize...and it's worth more than my lost weight in gold."

And I also signed my email address back up for the bible verse emails.

Prayer Service for Jen Ludwin on Wednesday at Roger Bacon

Friends,

Jen is making progress, so it is evident that our prayers for intercession are working. While our individual prayers are great, group prayer is even better. I like to think of the scene in Horton Hears a Who where the sound of thousands of voices are amplified in a colorful beam of energy...let's do it! Even if you don't know her, if you're free, come and see how one person can impact so many.

We'll be on the St. Francis Plaza on Wednesday, October 28th at 6:45pm. The more the merrier...let's overflow all over the entire campus. CLICK THIS LINK for directions. Here's a picture of where St. Francis Plaza is at Roger Bacon:

I'll be planning it with Bob Von Luehrte. We are both blessed to know Jen and were the adult leaders on retreats that Jen helped to lead. We don't have details yet, but email (in my "about me" page in upper right) me with ideas. There will be prayer, scripture, song, and more. We'll have a banner to sign and we'll video it to send to her and her family.

We'll need the following for sure:

• Vigil Candles (Can anyone donate?)
• Readers
• Musicians
• Someone that can procure a non-paper, durable banner to take up to her. Anyone know or work for a compassionate sign company owner?
• Videographer (anyone?)
• Photographer (anyone?)
• Bodies!!!!!
• People to pray with and care for people that may become overcome by emotions or Holy Spirit.

Keep praying! Our Father God is listening to our hearts and holding Jen in the palm of His mighty hand.

Peace,
BPJ

Wednesday morning sonnet

Sonnet II

at times it’s hard to see your presence here

it seems that nothing in this world goes right

we wait for word throughout the long, still night

we pray we find good news, not news to fear
the people that we love, that we hold dear
too often are the ones chosen to fight
the question often brought up, wrong or right
why is it that the Lord will not appear?
but just when all seems lost and hopes, they wane
the miracle for which we pray begins to show
the God in whom we trust, He shows His hand
the blessing may appear as lessened pain
it may be that this world, they must forgo
but rest assured, they’ve felt His love firsthand

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Where there is doubt, faith

The Prayer of St. Francis has always been very special to me. In a series of entries over the next couple of weeks I plan to break down each line and what it means to me.

"Where there is doubt, faith"

We face doubt nearly every day of our lives. While we often doubt others, it is ourselves whom we doubt the most. We doubt our abilities when it comes to just about everything. If you are one of the lucky few that has a super-strong confidence, I salute you. You go day-in-and-day-out knowing that you can do exactly what you put your mind to. Unfortunately, you are in an even deeper whole than the rest of us. Reason being, at some point you will fail. You will either fail yourself or someone will let you down when it really counts...someone that you can't just cut out of your life. 

There it is...doubt.

While the opposite of doubt in just about every grammar book is "confidence," the author of this prayer takes it out of the tangible and puts it into the intangible...faith. Let's define these three words to examine exactly what we're talking about:

• Doubt: a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.
• Confidence: full trust; belief in the powers, trustworthiness, or reliability of a person or thing
• Faith: belief that is not based on proof

The subtle difference between the last two make all the difference. When you have confidence in something, you have full trust because there is a track record...a history that supports your conviction. When you have faith in something, you need no proof.

I have confidence that I will be able to drive from here to Panera when I'm done to meet with some new friends to discuss the current series at V.C.C. on the Book of Acts: The Jesus Underground. I have this confidence because I've left here before and driven to Tri-County. I know the way and even if I encounter traffic, I know alternate routes.

Looking at the same situation, I have faith that God will get me there safely. Here's the kicker: if I don't arrive safely, and am in an accident or something equally terrible, I know that there is a reason. I have faith not just that God will get me there safely, but that if I don't get there safely, God had other plans for me.

Now, I know that God's not my co-pilot or my Garmin. I know that I still need to be careful and drive just as defensively as ever, but I have faith that, at the end of the night, I will be where God wishes me to be. Hopefully, that is safe in bed, sandwiched between the heated mattress pad, flannel sheets, and the heavy denim comforter.

I don't believe in predestination. I don't believe that God decides how my life will progress and end at the moment I'm born. However, I do know that God has his thumb in the middle of my back, gently steering me, but allowing me to follow my own free will. My faith comes in His steering...I trust his direction. If I doubt where my life is leading me, I pray about it and listen intently. Then, I have faith that my decision is the right one.

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The Dangerous "What if...?"

I had a good, short quasi-theological discussion with a friend at work today. We were talking about how we both envy a mutual friend of ours for her current location on her faith journey. She's WAY down the road. She is so full of the Holy Spirit and free-giving that it's inspiring just to talk to her. Even non-Believers are drawn to her strength.

She gave up a promising career so that she could devote her life to helping other people. She's a missionary that is currently working with a large midwestern Christian organization and is paying her bills only through the generosity of donors.

There was a big elephant in the room (or cubicle). We both have a wife and a child. The unspoken item was this: "What would we be able to do if we weren't tied down with family and obligation?"

That sound bad, I know. Neither of us would ever IN A MILLION YEARS trade in our life for the life we could have had. However, that doesn't stop someone from bringing to the surface a resentment that was long ago plunged down.

I'll use myself as an example:

• What if I had gone to an out-of-state school instead of limiting myself to Xavier, UC, and NKU? Amy had said that she wanted me to stay close to home. We had been dating for some time and were going to get married.
• What if I hadn't worked at Roger Bacon while I was in college? Would I have fallen into the deep depression that I fought for years and years? Would I have decided to go to grad school and become a professional musician?
• What if I didn't have a kid? Would I be able to do more things? Go more places? Be more involved? Drive fancier cars? Have a fancier house? Go out ot eat more?

The reality is that you make decisions in life as they come at you. At the time, Xavier seemed the best option to me. If I hadn't gone to Xavier, I never would have met the great friends that I did. If I hadn't gone to Xavier, I wouldn't have seen New Orleans pre-Katrina. If I hadn't worked at Roger Bacon while I was in college, I never would have gotten to help teach so many great kids that have turned into great adults. If I wouldn't have had a son, my Sam...

God has a plan for each one of us. Sometimes, we impact people in a way that we don't even know. Maybe God had me at Xavier for a reason that will likely never understand.

I often look back with regret when I think about my time at Roger Bacon (I was a band director there for 6 years). I always felt like I didn't make an impact on people. I was wrong.

When I was a teacher at Roger Bacon, I helped to lead a retreat called Kairos. It translates from Greek to English as "The Lord's Time." It is the counterpart to Chronos. Anyway, it is traditional to start and end your talks with a song. I had used a variety of songs over the years:

• Garth Brooks - The River
• Sarah McLachlin -The Prayer of St. Francis
• Peter Gabriel - In Your Eyes

On my last retreat, I really wanted to pick a song that would stand out. I could have gone with a Christian song, but I knew that would be forgotten before the next meal was over. I was listening to a CD that I owned for my DJ company when it hit me. The CD was the Billboard Top 10 from 1979: the year I was born.

I was tired of my lady; we'd been together to long
Like a worn-out recording of a favorite song
So while she lay there sleeping, I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns there was this letter I read

If you like Pina Coladas
And getting caught in the rain
If you're not into Yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like making love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
The I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and Escape.

Escape (The Pina Colada Song). It got a laugh out of the kids, as it should have. I talked about how I always tried to find someone to accept me. How I always fought to find someone that didn't make fun of my weight. I talked about how I never felt that I would ever find someone that would love me unconditionally.

Until I realized that person had been there all along. God had always been there. There was more to it, but you get the idea.

I haven't thought about that talk in years. I never thought that it made an impression.  Then I recieved this note this week:

"so this is the second time this week that i have heard the pina colada song and i decided i needed to write to you. every time i hear that song i think about your speach on kairos. thinking about what you said and what that songs makes me feel has helped me out a lot this week. this month has probably been the worst month of my life and i just wanted to let you know that what you said and that song has helped me out in so many ways. i just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart."

I shed a couple tears at my keyboard...and I realized that God always has a reason for why we are where we are.

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"Build it out of (uh) GOPHER BARKY, BARKY, Children of the Lord!"

A high school classmate of mine posed an interesting question yesterday on Facebook. She asked the following:

Given the current state of the city of Atlanta because of the floods, I was wondering what you would do if you were a modern-day Noah and God told you to build an ark and get ready for the coming floods. So, what would you do?

Tough question, no? I could give the stock answer and say that I would follow God’s commands, no matter their content, so I would build it, get the animals, and climb aboard.

We all know that it isn’t that simple.

Let’s get a little background. Read Noah’s story first (Gen 6:9-9:28):

• Like Shaekspeare? Read this one: King James Version
• Like more modern language? Read this one: The Message
• Catholic-approved? Read this one: New American Bible
• ¿En español? Lea esta version: Nueva Versión Internacional
• Just want the most common one? Read this one: New International Version

 The first thing that you should notice is that the last thing that the bible mentions before Noah dies is that he got wasted, naked, and was dragged back to his house cursing the son that found him and called his brothers in to see their passed out dad. That’s not really pivotal to my story, but I always found it amusing.

So, God decided that he is sickened by the evil that is his creation: humanity. He is going to destroy all of it, but Noah is too good of a person. So, God goes about setting out his problem, telling Noah how he will fix it, then tells Noah what to do.

You’ll notice that Noah doesn’t protest or even talk back. I’m sure that there were some words exchanged, but Noah doesn’t say, “WHOA! You want me to do what?” He just does what he’s told to do.

The Steve Carell movie Evan Almighty dealt with this very topic. The protagonist, Evan Baxter, has just been elected to the U.S. Congress, leaving behind a career as an anchorman and his life in Buffalo, NY. He and his family move to Northern Virginia to be close to D.C. He buys a newly-built home in a development that is still being built.

A series of signs and miracles ensue, causing Evan to believe that he’d better do what he’s told. The movie does not, in fact, have a storm-induced flood. I won’t give it away, but the boat comes in handy for sure.

The best part of the movie is this line, delivered by Morgan Freeman as God:

"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"

I think that after the first shocking moments of the first conversation that I had with God I would pray. If any believer were put in that situation, don’t you think that they would pray? My prayer would go something like this:

Lord,
Please give me a sign that this is really you and that this is really what you want me to do. I know that you don’t like when men ask you for proof of your presence or intention, but you sought me out and you haven’t done anything like this in thousands and thousands of years.
Show me the way, Lord.

Amen

Now, if God were really wanted me to build this ark, I would hope that he would then do something like what he did with Evan Baxter:

• Ship him Gopherwood
• Buy the vacant land right next to their house
• Force me to wear sackcloth no matter what I put on.

So, in doing that he has answered my pray. Harkening back to the line above, by answering my prayer for proof, he is giving me the opportunity to show my devotion to my Lord, my family, and all of humanity.

God has given me the greatest vote of confidence available to a human: you’re the one that I want to continue the human race. What are you going to do about it?

So, after I prayed and it was answered, the next thing that I would do is second guess God. “Lord, you know me better than anyone else. You knew me before you set the stars. I am as flawed as they come. I’m overweight, I battle depression, I fight to let my true self shine through, I am not good at Fantasy Football drafts, and I can’t appreciate a good dark beer. Why would you pick me?”

God’s done talking to me right now, so I’m left to answer my own question. Men are flawed. Noah was flawed. The first thing that he did after reestablishing a vineyard was get krunked. He was still the right man for the job. If I look at my self honestly, maybe I can find the one thing that God wants of his soon-to-be Father of Nations: I walk with God. I don’t do it perfectly, but I try.

I think that I build the boat. I think that many of my friends and family think that I am crazy. I honestly think that I cry for those that will drown. I'm a sap. I cried watching Marley & Me, but this is way bigger. I think that I get mad at God a couple of times and stop building for a day. Then, I remember who He is and get back to work. I know that my wife and son are right there beside me. Sam hopes that God will send the animals to help build the ark like in the movie.

Most importantly, I know that God has his thumb in the middle of my back, pushing me gently in the direction in which he wants me to travel, but allowing me to be the one that makes the final decision.

Two thousand, nine hundred and twenty-two days

Two thousand, nine hundred and twenty-two days ago I was unemployed. I was sitting in the living room of the home that I had lived in for five hundred and nine days. I was depressed, probably eating a huge bowl of sugary cereal that helped pack on the three hundred and thirty pounds that I carry today.

I was listening to Matt Lauer and Katie Couric report another meaningless story that I wouldn't remember one hundred and twenty minutes later. Willard Scott was stuttering through the names of more one-hundred-plus year-old people. The morning was like the fifty-six mornings that had immediately proceeded it: lonely, depressing, and utterly empty.

I was at the lowest point in my life that morning. One hundred and six days earlier I had resigned from the job that I had worked towards my entire life. It turns out that my dream was not all that it was cracked up to be. For the next fifty days I worked in another meaningless job in a company so relevant that today (two thousand, nine hundred and twenty-two days later) it doesn't even exist.

I quit that job because it was even worse than my "dream" job. I was "better" than that. Apparently better was unemployed. I had a job interview that afternoon at an staffing service. The day before, I had received a call from a well-known company in downtown Cincinnati stating that they were going to call the next day to offer me a position. At least that was starting to look up.

Ann Curry was rambling on about something when everything changed. At first, I thought that I was just adding some excitement to my already dreary day. My life sucked, after all. No one's could be worse.

Katie Couric broke in at 8:53 with a breaking news story. I'll never forget listening to a woman named Jennifer Oberstein recounting that she heard a loud boom and looked up.

"We were all just saying how strange it was that a bomb would explode this high up" she said.

I watched with sad interest as the tower burned. "So sad," I thought. There must be hundreds of people on those floors.

Jennifer Oberstein continued, but the smoke was all that I could see. I kept thinking, "It has to have been a plane. What a horrible accident."

I called Amy at work. She must have been the first person at CFC to have heard about the crash. I called her within 30 seconds of seeing it on Today. We had a quick conversation and she wished me luck at my interview later that day.

8:53am to 9:03am...sad, but an "accident." I was honestly getting ready to turn it off when I saw a flash of orange and heard the eye-witness say "Oh! Another one just hit! Something else just hit! A very large plane..."

I know that this sounds cliché, but nothing mattered anymore. My boo-hoo Eyeore life in the safe U.S. of A. wasn't so safe anymore. I watched in horror as they played and replayed and replayed the footage. Each time I prayed for it to be different. It never changed.

"You have to move from a talk about a horrible accident to something deliberate." Boom. Matt Lauer said it and when I realized it, I almost fainted. To be honest, as I type this, my heart is going so fast that I have to rest from typing for a minute or so every couple of minutes.

I got up and got my dress clothes for my interview in Blue Ash. No shower this morning. Good thing my hair looked decent. I was going to watch this until I had to rush out the door to make the interview.

Fifty-six minutes later at 9:59am was when I realized that this was going to be the single biggest event in my life, bar none. When that first collapse happened, and I did the quick math in my head, the casualties were staggering.

My interview was at 11:00am and was a forty minute drive. I had to leave when it got to be 10:10am.

I listened to 700WLW on the way there. They were just playing ABC's coverage. It was chilling. I turned it off. I drove in silence. I prayed for the first time in months.

When I arrived at the office for my interview everyone was standing in the lobby looking at a TV Cart wheeled from some nearby conference room. Dust. That's all I saw. Dust everywhere.

It was 10:40am. Men and women alike were openly weeping. I listened to the newest headlines that had unfolded since I turned off my radio at 10:20am.

Second collapse.

Pentagon hit.

I didn't know what to do, so I just walked up to the office. It was totally empty except for one woman staring at a computer. She kept saying, "Come on. Come on, Mary." Her face was streaked with make-up and salt.

I just stood there. I waited about 10 minutes and then blew my nose. She walked to a bathroom somewhere in the office and I heard water.

She walked out wiping at her face with paper towels.

"Mr. Mayer?", she asked.

"Meyer."

"Sorry. Sit down, please."

She stared at the computer again. Willing Mary to do something. All I saw was a list of names in green. It was just a regular-looking DOS screen...think old school library screen.

Then I noticed one name about halfway down in red. "Mary ....." I couldn't make out the last name.

"So you need a job?" Strangest interview question that I've ever received.

"Well, yes.", I said. She wasn't looking at me. She was looking at the monitor.

"Should we do this another time?"

"No," she said with a sniffle. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay.", I say. "Can you believe this?"

"What?"

"The Trade Center and Pentagon."

Her eyes went back to the computer. She hit a button and the green-on-black screen reloaded. "Mary" was still red.

"Mary works there."

"Where?"

"Tower 1. I talked to her yesterday about a client that was transferring from New York to Dayton. The woman was looking for temp work in Ohio."

"Mary works for this company?"

"Yes. She does my job in New York."

"Why is her name red?"

"That means that her database is offline. It only goes offline for maintenance. That only happens on the weekend."

"She was in Tower 1 this morning?"

"Yes. She sent me a message through the system about our client."

It was then that she started crying again. I sat there for five minutes while she cried. I wanted to hold her, but I had only met her 10 minutes earlier.

I did the cowardly thing and left. I never heard from her. I never called.

The rest of the day was a blur of NBC, CBS, ABC, and FOX. I remember hearing about the field in Pennsylvania.

The next day I was to receive a call with a job offer from the firm in downtown Cincinnati. I didn't hear from them by lunch. I called in the afternoon and was told that a hiring freeze was placed on the company...there headquarters was across the street from the WTC. They moved from Tower 2 after the bombing in the '90s.

A week later I was told that the hiring freeze was permanent.

Two thousand, nine hundred and twenty-two days after the attacks I sit here and type this up. My life is drastically different. I have a great job, a wonderful son, a wonderful marriage, a strong relationship with my Lord than I could ever imagine possible...it almost feels unfair.

Two thousand, nine hundred and seventy-four innocent people died from that attack. America was united. Flags lined every street. Lee Greenwood came out of retirement. Both political parties stood side by side on the capitol steps and sang "God Bless America" with tears streaming down their faces.

Everybody hung "Never Forget" posters in their cubes.

I see one of those posters every now and then. Mostly, I hear people fighting over health care and clunkers and socialism...have we forgotten? We're all on the same side here...

Two thousand, nine hundred and twenty-two days...I didn't hear one mention of the attacks at work today. No moment of silence at 8:46am like we have every year.

We forgot. I prayed in my little cube. I thought about how insurance underwriters (my job) died on that day. I thanked God for all of my blessings...and I didn't promise to never forget.

I promised to always remember.